War with Time - Grace of Letting Go

After reading Andras’ blog post, I felt inspired to share things from my own perspective. We’ve been a bit quiet on here lately, mostly because there are just so many moving parts to handle as we prepare for this big leap.

For those of you who know me well, you know that at the end of 2020, I moved into the upstairs space at my mom’s house. I turned it into a sweet little apartment with a kitchenette, a small seating area, and my own bedroom and bathroom. It ended up being the perfect place for solitude. I really needed that time to rediscover who I was after my youngest went off to college and I officially became an empty nester.

A few years later, I met Andras. Together, we realized that moving to Europe would be a wonderful next chapter. The cost of living here as we get older is becoming a bit much, but that wasn’t the only reason we started looking across the pond. Andras is from Europe, and he felt it was time to go back home. He wanted to bring me with him, and honestly, I didn’t need much convincing. I’ve always had a bit of a crazy wanderlust inside of me. My children can testify to that. I moved them way too many times because I was always chasing a new adventure. It probably wasn't the most productive way to raise kids, but they adapted, and I think they eventually just accepted it as "Mom’s quirky side."

The move to my mom’s place meant I had to put a lot of things into storage. I always planned on downsizing, but since I live with ADHD, I am a chronic procrastinator. Now, here we are with only three months left until the move, and I am frantically digging through units. Everything has to be purged, sold, or given away.

Lately, I've had Brandi Carlile’s song "A War with Time" playing on a loop in my head. It hits so close to home right now. I look at all the things I’ve been keeping in boxes and the pieces of paper I’ve saved, and I realize I’ve been in a war with time that I’m finally ready to lose. As the lyrics say, you can't take it with you. I’m finally learning to let go of the weight of the past to make room for the future.

These past two weekends, my oldest daughter, Arianna, has been an absolute godsend. She gets me. She understands how my brain works, and she didn’t flinch when I’d pull out some sentimental artifact to tell her the story behind it. We reminisced, we laughed, and we cried as we sorted things into boxes. She is a sentimental soul just like I am, so I’ve had to gently remind her that she doesn't need to keep every physical object just because there’s a memory attached to it. We made a deal to take pictures of the things that speak to us so we can keep the memory without the clutter.

I still have so many hours of work left in those units. Thankfully, I’m off work for mid-winter break this week, so we’ll be making plenty of trips to consignment shops, thrift stores, and the dump.

It’s actually hard to put into words what I’m feeling right now. My emotions are all over the place, and I find myself crying at the drop of a hat. It isn’t all sadness, though. A lot of it is pure excitement and the sheer relief of purging my old life to make room for who I am becoming.

The drive home alone the other day was heavy. I was replaying all the items I’d seen: the toys my kids don't need anymore, the memories of raising them as a single mom, and the deep love I have for my family. Right then, "A Long Goodbye" by Brandi Carlile came on. I was in tears by the first few lines. I sat there sobbing, listening to her sing, "Hoping for the best, but you don’t know what you don’t know. That it only takes a window seat to see the world was underwater too. And I only had to lose my way to be found by you."

Even though I’m feeling the weight of saying goodbye to my kids, my mom, and my friends, I am so thrilled to start this journey. I adore Andras, and I love that he wants to show me the world.

So many incredible things have happened to me this year. I finished three months of student teaching and realized that I’m actually a good teacher. I wish I’d found this career years ago. I finished my Master’s degree, I became a grandma, and I’ve developed a friendship with my mom that I cherish more than I can say. I’ve finally discovered who truly loves me and stands by me. Most importantly, I’ve realized I’m not the "failure" I believed I was for so long. I am a kind, loving person, and I’m learning to stop beating myself up for things I can’t control.

I didn’t intend for this to get so deep, but I wanted to be honest about what it takes to find yourself. It’s scary to leave the life you know for a life you can’t even imagine yet. Soon, I’ll only have a couple of suitcases to my name. That is a hard concept to wrap my head around, but I know that once the "stuff" is gone, I’ll be free. I can finally stop focusing on things that don’t matter and give all my energy to the things that do: LOVE, LIFE, FRIENDS, and FAMILY.